Any good jokes around anymore?
Question: All jokes that i hear now adays are just not funny. Someone out there must have some good jokes, so why not post them here!
Answers: A couple was dressed and ready to go out
for the evening. They turned on a night light,
turned on the phone answering machine,
covered their pet parakeet and put the cat
in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and
requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the
couple opened the front door to leave their
house. The cat they had put out into the yard
scoots back into the house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house
because she always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the
husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat
runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the
driver to know the house will be empty for the
night. She explains to the driver that her
husband will be out soon. He's just going
upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.
A few minutes later, the husband gets into
the cab. Sorry I took so long, he says as they
drive away. She was hiding under the
bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to
get her to come out! She tried to take off so I
grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap
her in a blanket to keep her from scratching
me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ***
downstairs and threw her out into the back
yard!
The cabdriver hit a parked car.
why doesn't tigger have any friends?
bcuz he play with pooh
i once met a blonde and she was so stupid she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. While she was ordering it she tripped over her wireless phone.
I do have a really quick and fast joke...
...........vooooooooooommm!!!!!!!!!!
(there it went)
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo Who?
Its just a joke, you don't have to cry about it.
I like this one, It's very old...
Why an Blonde's belly button smells bad?
Her boyfriend is blond too!
don't know why don't you?
this 1 i invented my self . what does a sports car and a old lady with hips replacement just done got in comun ? titanium bits ! hope u like it !
why did the white girl go **** a mexican ?
cuz her teacher told her to go do an essay.
so a man goes into a pet shop and chooses out a nice parrot. he brought the parrot to the counter and the cashier said beware this parrot repeats everything he hears the man didnt care and he brought his parrot down the street to show this newpet off. Then the man saw this cop chasing a theif so the cop shouted out SHOOT HIM DOWN, SHOOT HIM DOWN the parrot also repeated shoot him down shoot him down. Then after that he walked on the other side of the street and he saw a man cranking up his car because somebody stole one of his tires and so he shouted out pop it up pop it up and so the parrot alos repeated pop it up pop it up. Then the man and his parrot went to the carnival and the parrot heard the gamemaster saying hit a big one and win a prize and the parrot also repeated hit a big one and win a prize. The the man wen to church and sat down with his parrot. The priest and stood and started reading the lord is above us. the parrot then siad shoot him down, shoot him down then the priest then said the devil is below us. Then the parrot then said pop it up, pop it up . The priest then got so mad and he threw his bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit this fat lady behing him. The parrot then said' hit a big one win a prize !!!! Hahah i love this joke i hope you enjoyed it!
A joke I received from the internet:
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their Best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?
We're taking Continental, was the reply. We got a great rate!
Continental? exclaimed the hairdresser. That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome ?
We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste.
Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is poor and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?
We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.
That's rich, laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.
A month later the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
It was wonderful, explained the woman, not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great!
They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!
Well, muttered the hairdresser, that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.
Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five
minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.
Oh really! What'd he say?
He said: Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?
Hope you laughed as hard as I did!
Two blonde's flying from N.Y. to Miami,pilot comes on,we lost #1 engine,we will be a hour late, but not to worry we have 3 left,pilot comes on again,we lost the #2 engine,we'll be 2 hours late,don't worry we have 2 engines left,pilot comes on again,we lost the #3 engine,we will be 3 hours late,upon hearing this one blonde looks at the other and said,hell if we lose one more engine we'll be up here all day. love
Okay, oh my gosh, I got one!!
Two antennas got married. The wedding wasn't that great, but the reception was good!
LMAO!! Get it?? Hahah...oh forget it. That's just more evidence of todays' really bad jokes. Okay, here's what my friend Katie said once, it's kinda funny: Everyone is blonde on the inside. Only some of us show it.
Okay actually I have a really funny blonde joke...
There are two blondes standing on opposite sides of the river. The first blonde says, How do you get to the other side? Then the other blonde looks around and says, I'm already on the other side! Get it..? No..? Neither do I.
Oh here's another:
A blonde walks into Best Buy. She asks the clerk, Can I buy that TV? The clerk says, Sorry, we don't sell to blondes. She walks in the next day. She asks the clerk again, Can I buy that TV? The clerk says, once again, Sorry, we don't sell to blondes. The blonde was so fed up, she dyed her hair red and walked into Best Buy the next day. Feeling confident, she asks the clerk once again, Can I buy that TV? The clerk answers, Sorry, we don't sell to blondes. The blonde was so confused. But I dyed my hair and everything--how did you know? The clerk just looked at her, and said Because that's not a TV, that's a microwave.
Ooooh and this other one:
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette took a walk in the snow. All of a sudden, a man in a black hat jumped out at them, holding up a gun. FREEZE! He yelled. The redhead and brunette put their hands up and screamed. The blonde said Okay! and jumped into a snowbank. The guy looked around and said Where'd she go? He pulled off his hat, revealing blonde hair. Well, she got away.. and he walked away.
I have a lot more if you want to hear them...probably not though. Just google it and I'm sure you could find lots of jokes. Sadly, all I know is blonde jokes. And I'm blonde. Whatever, I hope someone posts some good jokes here..
Your momma so fat...
Your dad left...
one time my friend came up with this joke why did the wicth have no children because her husband had a halloweeny. i thought that was funnylol
A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the woods.
The bear looks down at the rabbit and asks, Do you have a problem with poo sticking to your fur?
The rabbit replied, No, not at all.
So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.
Answers: A couple was dressed and ready to go out
for the evening. They turned on a night light,
turned on the phone answering machine,
covered their pet parakeet and put the cat
in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and
requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the
couple opened the front door to leave their
house. The cat they had put out into the yard
scoots back into the house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house
because she always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the
husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat
runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the
driver to know the house will be empty for the
night. She explains to the driver that her
husband will be out soon. He's just going
upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.
A few minutes later, the husband gets into
the cab. Sorry I took so long, he says as they
drive away. She was hiding under the
bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to
get her to come out! She tried to take off so I
grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap
her in a blanket to keep her from scratching
me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ***
downstairs and threw her out into the back
yard!
The cabdriver hit a parked car.
why doesn't tigger have any friends?
bcuz he play with pooh
i once met a blonde and she was so stupid she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. While she was ordering it she tripped over her wireless phone.
I do have a really quick and fast joke...
...........vooooooooooommm!!!!!!!!!!
(there it went)
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo Who?
Its just a joke, you don't have to cry about it.
I like this one, It's very old...
Why an Blonde's belly button smells bad?
Her boyfriend is blond too!
don't know why don't you?
this 1 i invented my self . what does a sports car and a old lady with hips replacement just done got in comun ? titanium bits ! hope u like it !
why did the white girl go **** a mexican ?
cuz her teacher told her to go do an essay.
so a man goes into a pet shop and chooses out a nice parrot. he brought the parrot to the counter and the cashier said beware this parrot repeats everything he hears the man didnt care and he brought his parrot down the street to show this newpet off. Then the man saw this cop chasing a theif so the cop shouted out SHOOT HIM DOWN, SHOOT HIM DOWN the parrot also repeated shoot him down shoot him down. Then after that he walked on the other side of the street and he saw a man cranking up his car because somebody stole one of his tires and so he shouted out pop it up pop it up and so the parrot alos repeated pop it up pop it up. Then the man and his parrot went to the carnival and the parrot heard the gamemaster saying hit a big one and win a prize and the parrot also repeated hit a big one and win a prize. The the man wen to church and sat down with his parrot. The priest and stood and started reading the lord is above us. the parrot then siad shoot him down, shoot him down then the priest then said the devil is below us. Then the parrot then said pop it up, pop it up . The priest then got so mad and he threw his bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit this fat lady behing him. The parrot then said' hit a big one win a prize !!!! Hahah i love this joke i hope you enjoyed it!
A joke I received from the internet:
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their Best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?
We're taking Continental, was the reply. We got a great rate!
Continental? exclaimed the hairdresser. That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome ?
We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste.
Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is poor and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?
We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.
That's rich, laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.
A month later the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
It was wonderful, explained the woman, not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great!
They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!
Well, muttered the hairdresser, that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.
Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five
minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.
Oh really! What'd he say?
He said: Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?
Hope you laughed as hard as I did!
Two blonde's flying from N.Y. to Miami,pilot comes on,we lost #1 engine,we will be a hour late, but not to worry we have 3 left,pilot comes on again,we lost the #2 engine,we'll be 2 hours late,don't worry we have 2 engines left,pilot comes on again,we lost the #3 engine,we will be 3 hours late,upon hearing this one blonde looks at the other and said,hell if we lose one more engine we'll be up here all day. love
Okay, oh my gosh, I got one!!
Two antennas got married. The wedding wasn't that great, but the reception was good!
LMAO!! Get it?? Hahah...oh forget it. That's just more evidence of todays' really bad jokes. Okay, here's what my friend Katie said once, it's kinda funny: Everyone is blonde on the inside. Only some of us show it.
Okay actually I have a really funny blonde joke...
There are two blondes standing on opposite sides of the river. The first blonde says, How do you get to the other side? Then the other blonde looks around and says, I'm already on the other side! Get it..? No..? Neither do I.
Oh here's another:
A blonde walks into Best Buy. She asks the clerk, Can I buy that TV? The clerk says, Sorry, we don't sell to blondes. She walks in the next day. She asks the clerk again, Can I buy that TV? The clerk says, once again, Sorry, we don't sell to blondes. The blonde was so fed up, she dyed her hair red and walked into Best Buy the next day. Feeling confident, she asks the clerk once again, Can I buy that TV? The clerk answers, Sorry, we don't sell to blondes. The blonde was so confused. But I dyed my hair and everything--how did you know? The clerk just looked at her, and said Because that's not a TV, that's a microwave.
Ooooh and this other one:
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette took a walk in the snow. All of a sudden, a man in a black hat jumped out at them, holding up a gun. FREEZE! He yelled. The redhead and brunette put their hands up and screamed. The blonde said Okay! and jumped into a snowbank. The guy looked around and said Where'd she go? He pulled off his hat, revealing blonde hair. Well, she got away.. and he walked away.
I have a lot more if you want to hear them...probably not though. Just google it and I'm sure you could find lots of jokes. Sadly, all I know is blonde jokes. And I'm blonde. Whatever, I hope someone posts some good jokes here..
Your momma so fat...
Your dad left...
one time my friend came up with this joke why did the wicth have no children because her husband had a halloweeny. i thought that was funnylol
A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the woods.
The bear looks down at the rabbit and asks, Do you have a problem with poo sticking to your fur?
The rabbit replied, No, not at all.
So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.
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